In Search Of Perfection
By: Ciera Barnes
Ever since I can remember I've always wanted to be the best. If I got a B minus, I would strive for an A plus. If a professor critiqued my writing, I would spend hours trying to fix my paper. This pattern reared its ugly head in my last semester. I was taking advanced fiction writing. At first, things were going okay.
Then halfway through the semester, I began to obsess over my writing. Nothing I came up with was good enough. I would work late into the night deleting and re-typing sentences. Even though I was getting decent grades on my stories, I always felt I could do better. I would torture myself over what I perceived to be callus mistakes. I would pick apart my characters, stories, and dialogue.
My words were much harsher than any criticism from my professor or peers. I would compare myself to my classmates. Towards the end of the semester, I started feeling burnt out. The ideas stopped coming, and panic kicked in. Finally, at the last minute, I came up with something I deemed adequate. It wasn't great, but it was good enough.
We had to record ourselves reading the story. Then it would be played during our final exam. I re-recorded myself five times. Why did I pause here? My voice sounds too high. I need to speak lower. I need to speak higher. I finally settled on take five. Not because I was pleased with it, but because I was running out of time.
I tried not to panic as I submitted my recording. The day of the exam went well. Looking back on it now, I know this pursuit of perfection can be harmful. It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. There have been many times when I just give up on a story. If it doesn't meet my expectations. It hinders how much I write on medium. I have four stories sitting in my draft. At least I know no matter what I publish I could always go back and edit. I am trying to not seek out perfection. I am just trying to do good work.
Thank you for reading my stories and continuing to support me.
